Always On

The Salesman 

Every office has one or more of those people who are always on. By always on I mean they are always kissing someone's ass, making small talk with everyone and asking them about their lives, when everyone knows full well that they really couldn't give two shits. These people make me uncomfortable. Not that I'm a paranoid weirdo, but it seems like you can never really tell who these people are. Their true identity is clouded by this brown-nosing, charm-the-pants-off-everyone attitude. They could think you are the biggest doofus in the world and you'd never know it. Why are people like this in the business world? And why the hell does it work so well? Personally, I can't stand fake people. I hate small talk. I don't care how you are today and I'm not going to ask you because I know that most of the time people ask that question because it is a formality. No one ever really cares how everyone else is doing, and no one tells the truth anyway when asked because they know no one really cares. Ever tell the truth when someone asks you how you are? The person who asks always looks startled. "Actually Bob, this is the shittiest day of my life!". Bob will look at you like you just turned blue or something. Could you imagine if people just told the truth about how they feel and interacted with people the way they really wanted to and it had no effect on their commission? I think it would be something like this:

Client: "Hey, I'd like to buy some of your product, but I hope you don't charge me an arm and a leg and breathe hideous garlic breath in my face like you did at our last meeting"

Salesperson: "Yeah I'll charge you whatever I think your Benz-driving fat ass can afford and there's nothing you can do about it because we are the best in town and I honestly don't think you will go anywhere else. By the way I had lots of onions in my salad at lunch. hhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiii hhhhhhhhowww are you today? Hahahah! As if I give two shits! As long as you are in a good enough mood to fork over a cheque!"

Client: "Ok, I'll sign the contract and you can expect my payments to be late at least a few weeks and your harrassing phone calls to be ignored."

Salesperson: "Excellent, we have a deal then."